illadoreyou

illadoreyou @ 2004-02-08T16:44:00

2004-02-08T16:49:31Z

Im so sorry it has taken me so long to get this chapter up - for some reason, it was a bitch to write. Plus, Ive had loads of work to do. Anyways, here it is.... hppe you like.

As I walked, I watched the leaves as they danced around my feet, mesmerised by their random movements. It was a clear night, and the stars were shining brightly in the sky. The way they sparkled reminded me of Jade’s eyes, and I smiled knowing that I would soon see them again. Winter had arrived, and the wind was bitterly cold as it blew against the pale skin of my face. Ice was starting to form on the ground, and on top of the stationary cars that I passed as I walked alone along the silent streets. I wrapped my thick black coat around me as tightly as possible, trying to conserve a little bit of warmth. Thoughts began racing through my mind. I didn’t know what I was going to say to Jade when I saw him. Talking to him had always been so easy; we used to sit and talk for hours, sometimes about the most pointless little things that somehow, to us, seemed significant. I knew this time it would be different, and started to panic as negative thoughts invaded my mind. I could feel my heart racing, pumping the adrenaline around my cold body. I stopped for a few seconds to actually think about what I was doing.

“Fuck it”, I sighed angrily at myself, as I kicked a stone across the floor, venting my frustration.

Jade didn’t want me to find him, he had told me that in the letter, so maybe it was for the best that I didn’t. I don’t know how long I stood there in the cold, thinking about the situation I was in, but my nerves soon got the better of me, and I turned around, starting the cold lonely walk home. A feeling of disappointment washed over me, and I felt angry at myself for being such a coward, but still, I couldn’t turn back. I could feel the anger building inside of me and I lashed out, punching a wall, causing pain to rush through my hand and up my arm. I saw that my fingers and knuckles were cut and grazed, and small droplets of blood were forming. I concentrated on the pain, finding that for a few brief moments it allowed me to block out all thoughts of Jade. Soon reality came back to me, bringing with it all the emotional pain that I had been feeling for months. I realised how much I didn’t want to be alone right now, so reached into my pocket trying to find my phone so that I could phone Adam. Pain shot through me as my grazed hand brushed against the inside of my pocket. As I pulled my phone out of my coat, I noticed the small flashing red light, indicating that I had a message.

Good luck Dave. You are a stronger person than you believe you are. Don’t give up. Find him. I’m here if you need me. Adam

I don’t know what I had ever done to deserve a friend like Adam. Every time I needed someone, he was there for me no matter what, and this time was no exception. His words had given me encouragement and strength, and I was filled with a new determination to find Jade. There were questions that needed to be asked and answered on both parts. Once again, I set off to find Jade, and this time nothing was going to stop me.

I soon arrived at the gates of the park where Jade and I used to go every evening; the park in which I had fallen in love with Jade, the park in which we had shared our first kiss. I took a deep breath as I stepped through the entrance, knowing that this was the evening that my life was going to change but not knowing how. As I walked through the park, towards the hill where Jade and I used to sit and talk for hours I watched the silhouettes of the trees as they blew in the wind. As I came closer to the hill, I could see a dark figure sitting at the top, looking out over the city. It was him. I had found Jade. I watched him for a few minutes in silence, praying that he wouldn’t be angry at me for finding him. As I moved slowly towards him, I stepped on a twig, snapping it, breaking the silence. Jade didn’t move.

“I knew you’d come”. His voice sounded beautiful. I couldn’t remember if it had always sounded as beautiful, or if being away from him from so long had made him seem even more perfect. “I knew if I waited long enough, you’d come”.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words could find their way out. Instead, I walked over to Jade, sitting down beside him, neither of us saying a word.

“I’m sorry I left. I was confused. I didn’t know what to do”. His voice was shaking. I couldn’t tell if this was because he was nervous, or because he was cold. “I’ve missed you”. Jade didn’t even attempt to make eye contact while he was talking. Instead he sat frozen in the same position, staring blankly straight ahead of him.

“I’ve missed you too”, I replied. Jade’s head turned, and I saw his face for the first time in months. He was still as perfect as always, but looked tired and thinner than I remembered. His gorgeous blonde fringe still hung over his dark brown eyes, which were circled with black eyeliner, his sideburns still perfectly shaped along the side of his face.

“I wanted to come back, but I was ashamed to. I knew all the hurt I must have caused. I didn’t know if you and the others would want to see me again”. I silently laughed at Jade’s words. If only he knew how much the three of us, especially me, had wanted to see him.

“Jade, we’ve all missed you. We all want you back. I want you back”. I saw a smile start to appear on his face. His hand moved closer to mine, and I flinched as he took my hand into his. He quickly moved his hand away, and looked at the grazes that adorned mine.

“You’re hurt”, he said, looking at me, concern in his eyes. “That’s my fault, isn’t it?”

“No Jade, I tripped over early this morning, that’s all”, I lied to him, not wanting him to hurt anymore than he was.

“Oh… good”, he said, relieved. I didn’t like lying to him, but there were times that lies were needed. This was one of those times. I reached out, and took his hand into mine, squeezing it gently, reassuring him that I was fine. He shifted himself closer to me, and I wrapped my arm around his waist as his head fell to rest on my shoulder. I could feel him shivering. I removed my jacket, and placed it over his shoulders, then pulled him closer to me, trying my best to keep him warm, not caring how cold I was myself. I felt whole again. I finally had Jade back in my life again, and the huge void that had been present for the past three months seemed like a distant memory.

As we both looked out over the city, admiring its beauty, snow began to fall from the sky. We watched in silence as the small white flakes fell gracefully, settling on the grass around us. I could never have imagined a moment as wonderful as this. Jade lifted his head from my shoulder, and looked at me, his eyes fixed on mine.

“I love you Davey, you know that, right?”

“Yeh, I know”, I replied softly to Jade. “And I love you”

“Yeh, I know”, Jade replied, smiling, his head falling back onto my shoulder. I gently stroked his hair, my black fingernails contrasting with the blonde strands that hung in front of his face. I wanted this moment to last forever.

“Can we go home?”, Jade asked me quietly.

I felt a smile emerging across my face. Although I didn’t want this night to end, I wanted Jade to come home. I wanted my life to return to normal, and I wanted him to be a part of it.

“Of course”.

We rose to our feet, and made our way towards the gate of the park, our footsteps making prints in the snow. We ambled home slowly, hand in hand, talking about the past three months of each others lives that we had missed out on.

Soon, we arrived at the small building that we had lived in for the past 2 years. A light was still on in the front room, and I guess that Adam had been waiting up for me. I turned and looked at Jade. As our eyes met, he moved forwards, and his lips connected with mine. We kissed gently as the snow continued to fall around us.

As Jade pulled away, he smiled.

“Perfect”, he said softly.

As we made our way towards the house, a small tear fell from my eye. I couldn’t remember a time that I had felt this happy. I finally had Jade back in my life, and was never going to let him go.

illadoreyou @ 2004-01-26T02:18:00

2004-01-26T02:20:08Z

Wrote this on the train home back from Uni today..... hope it doesnt suck too much

Days passed slowly, each day seeming longer than the one before it. Every second of my waking hour was consumed with thoughts of Jade, and the beautiful evening we had spent together before his disappearance. Without him, life seemed to have lost all meaning and purpose. Every night I would dream of Jade’s return, only to wake up and find the painful reality still persisted. Adam and Hunter were becoming increasingly worried about me. Over the past couple of months my weight had noticeably decreased and I had become more and more reserved, spending as much time alone as I could. The state I was now in reminded me of Jade and the way he was after his split with Brandon. I hadn’t told Adam and Hunter the true reason for Jade leaving. As far as they were concerned, he wanted sometime away so had gone to visit some friends. I couldn’t face telling them that it was me who had made Jade leave, and I didn’t want to face the questions that would be asked if they knew why he had.

After yet another sleepless night, I decided that it was time to get out of bed and attempt to cope with the day ahead. I had stopped caring about my appearance months ago, so I just pulled on an old shirt and went downstairs without even thinking about my hair or make-up. I entered the front room and fell on the black sofa; Adam and Hunter were also in the room watching TV. The both stared at me, as if they were expecting me to greet them. I didn’t. I noticed something different about the way Hunter was looking at me, but thought nothing of it.

“Why didn’t you tell us Davey?” The silence was broken by Adam’s question.

“Tell you what?” I was confused by his question.

“Why Jade left”, Hunter responded.

“I told you, he wanted some time away”

“Tell us the fucking truth. Tell us the real reason why Jade left”, Hunter shouted at me. There was an angry tone in his voice; one which I had never heard him use before. I was stunned by Hunter’s sudden outburst, and fell silent.

“Hunter!” Adam shouted back at him. “Calm it, let him talk”. Hunter sighed angrily, glaring at me furiously. “We know about you and Jade. We know everything”.

I was shocked by Adam’s comment. I wasn’t prepared for people to know about what had happened, and I didn’t want to talk about it, but there was no way out of this conversation now. I didn’t know how to respond.

“How…… how did you find out? Jade?” I hoped Jade had phoned to explain the situation to the others, as then I wouldn’t have to, and I would know that he was safe. Since he had been gone, I had asked a lot of his friends if they could tell me how he was. I was only ever told that they hadn’t seen him. I didn’t know how true this was. I just wanted to know he was safe so my mind could be set slightly more at ease.

“No”, said Adam, as Hunter picked up a piece of paper lying on the table. He threw it at me, not saying anything. I looked at it, and saw that it was the letter Jade had left me; the letter that had been hiding in my room.

“How the hell did you get that?” I yelled angrily. I was furious that one of them had been in my room, looking through my private belongings without me knowing. I could feel the anger building inside me.

“Hunter found it this morning. We decided we needed to know what was going on.”

“That letter was for me. You had no right to go through my things. I can’t fucking believe you”, I screamed at Hunter. He stood up and stepped towards me.

“I can’t fucking believe you lied to us for three months. Do you even have any idea where Jade is? As far as we know, he could be dead somewhere, and you never fucking told us.” I could see he was getting angrier and angrier with every word he spoke. His face was reddening and his eyes were getting wider.

“Hunter, I’m sorry, I…” but Hunter cut me off before any explanation could be given

“Fuck it Davey……and fuck you”. With that, Hunter stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. My head fell into my hands as I tried in vain to hide from what had just happened. This was the precise reason that I hadn’t told anyone about what had happened with Jade. I had already lost him, I couldn’t face losing my two other best friends as well, but it was now too late. I felt someone sit next to me. My head lifted from my hands and I saw Adam sitting next to me, a concerned look in his eyes.

“Hunter’s just pissed you didn’t tell us. You know what he is like. Don’t worry, he’ll get over it.”

“I’m so sorry Adam, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen”, I tried to explain to Adam, my voice shaking with emotion. Tears were trying to form in my eyes, but I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I hadn’t cried since the day Jade left and was determined not to let my emotions get the better of me, especially not in front of Adam.

“It’s OK.” I could see the hurt in Adam’s eyes. Ever since we were young, we had never kept secrets from each other, but Jade was one thing I couldn’t talk to anyone about, not even Adam. “I understand why you didn’t tell us, I just wish you had talked to me about it. You know you can tell me anything”.

“I know. I’m sorry”.

“So, you’re in love with Jade?” I was unsure about how to respond to Adam’s question, but I had lied to him for so long, I couldn’t do it again.

“Yes. I love him…… I love him more than anything”. It felt strange finally admitting it to someone, but at the same time, it was a huge relief. No longer would I have to hide my feelings and pretend everything was alright. Tears started to fill my eyes and the mixture of anger and relief was overwhelming. I let the tears flow freely from my eyes, and Adam put his arm around me. My head rested on his shoulder, and my tears fell onto his shirt and were absorbed by the fabric.

“If you love him, then why are you still here?” His question shocked me.

“What do you mean? You read the letter, he told me not to try and find him”.

“Since when has someone telling you not to do something ever stopped you from doing it? You love him. He loves you. Go find him, bring him back, and be happy”. As always, Adam had managed to simplify a complicated situation, but this time he made total sense. I couldn’t let Jade go; I wanted him and needed him.

I decided that the time had come to find him. I was scared of how Jade would react if and when I found him. He had told me not to look for, but it was something I had to do. I needed to know if his feelings for me had changed. If he no longer loved me, it would be hard, but it was harder living a life without knowing at all. Tonight would be the night that I would find him, and get the answers to all the unanswered questions that had been playing on my mind for the past three months.

The day seemed to last as eternity, but when the evening came, I got changed, and for the first time in months, applied make-up to my worn and tired looking pale face. Before I left the house, I found Adam and thanked him for the support and strength he had given me. As I walked out the door, he wished me luck.

Even though I hadn’t seen or spoken to Jade since he left, I had a good idea of where I would find him. I stepped out into the cold night air, took a deep breath, and started the short walk to the place that had changed my life.

illadoreyou @ 2004-01-21T11:10:00

2004-01-21T11:15:09Z

Yes, chapter 7 is finally here! Sorry its taken so long to right - Ive had a load of exams. Sorry its shit - I'll try and get a much better Chapter 8 up by Friday.

Chapter 7 – I Die In My Daydreams

That night I lied awake in bed, and for the first time in a long while, I was happy. I smiled, but not to please anyone and not to avoid questions being asked about my unhappiness. I was smiling because I finally had something and someone to smile about. I soon drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the time Jade and I had spent together that day, and the time that we would spend together in the future.

The next morning, the sunlight beaming through my curtains made me aware of how long I had been sleeping. The early part of the morning had long since gone, and afternoon was approaching. I slowly rolled out of bed, not wanting to get up, but my eagerness to see Jade again motivated me. After pulling on an old t-shirt and pair of trousers, and combing my hair, I decided I was ready to go downstairs. As I passed the mirror I took a quick look at my reflection, just to check I was still smiling. I was.

When I entered the front room, I was surprised to only see two, instead of three, figures slouching in front of the television.

“Afternoon”, Hunter and Adam said simultaneously. They looked at each other and laughed. I always found it amazing how they shared exactly the same sense of humour. What made one of them laugh, always made the other one laugh. Even though I had known Adam for as long as either of us can remember, we rarely understood each other, and had settled for the fact that we never would. It wasn’t until I met Jade that I found someone who I could really relate to.

“Sleep well?” Adam said sarcastically.

“Very well thanks.” I replied, in an unfamiliar cheerful tone. “Where’s Jade this morning?” I tried to hide the excitement in my voice. I was unsure if Jade had told the others about the events of last night, so thought it was best to keep the situation to myself until I had spoken to him about it.

“He went out early this morning. Said he would be back later for dinner”, mumbled Hunter, paying more interest to the television than me.

“Oh right”. I was disappointed; as always, I was looking forward to seeing Jade, but this time it was different. This time, I didn’t have to hide things from him. Instead, when I saw him, I could kiss him, and he would kiss me back.

My stomach rumbled loudly, reminding me of my need for food. I made my way into the kitchen, and sifted through the fridge, trying to find something that I wanted to eat, that wasn’t out of date. After deciding that cereal was the only safe option, I sat down at the table to eat. I hadn’t noticed the white envelope that had been resting against the fruit bowl in the middle of the table. My name was written on the front in black ink, and I immediately recognised the handwriting as Jade’s. I quickly ripped open the envelope, keen to see the message he had left me. As I started to read the letter, my need for food rapidly disappeared, and the need to cry overwhelmed me.

Davey

Before you read this, I need you to know that I don’t want to hurt you. You are my best friend and I care about you too much to see you get hurt. That is why I have gone. A beautiful person like you deserves to be happy, but not with me. Last night was amazing, but it shouldn’t have happened; I shouldn’t have let it. I love you, and as long as I do, I can’t be around you. I know this is going to hurt, but I would hurt you a lot more if I was there. Please try and forget about me, and find someone you can be happy with. Things between us will never work. Don’t try and find me – I know this is for the best.

I’m sorry

Jade

It took a few seconds for what I had just read to sink in. A tear rolled down the side of my face, landing on the piece of paper, causing the ink to spread.

‘Don’t you cry. Don’t you dare fucking cry’, I said angrily at myself, forcing back the tears that I could feel forming in my eyes. I didn’t like to show my emotions, preferring to keep them bottled up inside, until they took the form of writing on a piece of paper for a song. Also, I couldn’t let Adam or Hunter see me cry. I didn’t know how I was going to explain this to them.

I folded the letter along its creases, placed it into its original envelope and forced it into the back pocket of my trousers. I left the kitchen, walking past the front room as naturally as possible, so that Adam and Hunter didn’t realise anything was wrong. Slowly I ascended the stairs, staring straight ahead, but focusing on nothing, still in a state of disbelief. Tears were still trying to fight their way through, but I wouldn’t allow myself to break, knowing that if I did, I might not be able to find a way to stop.

As I entered the bathroom, I shut the door behind me, locking it so that I wouldn’t be disturbed. I removed the letter from my back pocket and read it again. I don’t want to hurt you. Try and forget about me. Don’t try and find me. I love you…… I love you…… I love you. Those three little words, that once would have made me so happy, lingered in my brain causing me more pain than I thought possible. I dropped the letter to the floor, unable to read it again.

I removed my clothes, and discarded them on the floor, next to the letter. I turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature until it was comfortable enough for me to step under. As the water flowed over me, I shut my eyes, trying my best to block out any of thoughts of Jade. For a short time, it was working, but then images and memories of him came flowing back. I thought of his blonde fringe that always hung in his face, slightly covering his eyes. I thought of the smile that always used to grace his face.

Tears began to form.

I thought about last night; a night that a few hours ago seemed so perfect, but now I wish had never happened.

I love you.

If he really loved me, why did he leave? No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t understand it. I realised that I was crying. Tears were streaming from my eyes, mixing with the water from the shower and running over my tattooed skin. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. It was too late. My legs felt weak, and I slid down the wall of the shower. As I landed I bought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms round them, trying my best to comfort myself. My head fell onto my knees, and I let the tears fall. I didn’t try to stop them, knowing it was pointless. My breathing was erratic causing me to have difficulty breathing, as the words of Jade’s letter echoed through my head.

I felt totally helpless. Jade had gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.

illadoreyou @ 2004-01-10T19:48:00

2004-01-10T19:52:27Z

This chapter toom me ages to write.... hope you like

Weeks passed, and things didn’t improve. I knew something had to be done. I couldn’t allow Jade to continue fading like he was; I had to find the Jade that I used to know, the Jade that was now hidden deep within a broken and shattered man.

“Jade, I need to talk to you. Today if possible”.

“Fine, I haven’t got anything planned”. That didn’t surprise me. Since Brandon, Jade hadn’t been motivated to do anything or go anywhere. He hadn’t shaved for weeks, and a layer of stubble covered his lower face. His hair looked unwashed.

“Do you want to go to the park or something? It’ll be nice for you to get out of this place”

“Sure, whatever”. I was positive that he wasn’t paying any attention to what I was saying, and if he was, he was only agreeing with me to silence me. I let out a frustrated sigh.

“Well, I need to grab some stuff from town. Shall I meet you in the park at 4?” I tried my best not to sound as aggravated as I was. I didn’t want to get him angry, otherwise he wouldn’t talk to me.

Jade shrugged his shoulders. “Sure”. I took that as a yes, remaining doubtful that he would turn up, and left for town.

When I arrived at the park, I was pleasantly surprised to see Jade, sitting alone on a bench. He was staring out over the lake, a vacant expression in his eyes. I was unsure if he was focusing on anything in particular, or just aimlessly staring into the wide open space in front of him. I moved closer to him. It took him a few seconds to register my presence.

“Oh, hey”, he said, taking his eyes off whatever he had previously been focusing on, and looking at me. I was surprised when I saw he wasn’t wearing make up. His eyes looked bare without the black rings which were always present around them.

“Hey”. I sat down beside him. “Jade, I’m worried about you.” He sighed deeply in annoyance. “You’re hardly eating, and look at the state of you. You’re a mess”.

“Thanks”, he replied, anger present in his voice.

“Look, I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean…… you’re my best friend…… you always will be. Just please, talk to me. Tell me what I can do. I just can’t stand to see you like this.”

“What? You think I like feeling like this? You think I like feeling so alone? I hate this Davey, I hate it. I hate being alone. I just want someone to love. Is it too much to ask?”

Finally, he opened up. Once again, tears started to run from his eyes, forming salty rivers down his cheeks; an all too familiar sight.

“You’re not alone. You have Adam. You have Hunter. And you have me. I’m never leaving you Jade. I’ll always be here. I……” I stopped, aware of what I was about to say. Jade looked up at me, eyes and cheeks glistening from the tears. He needed to hear it.

“I love you”. I moved a hand to his face, and wiped away the wet salty streaks that the tears had left on his cheeks. The black on my nails contrasted with the paleness of his skin. Tears were no longer falling from Jade’s eyes, but when I looked at them, I couldn’t make out what they were telling me. Jade moved his hand up towards mine, taking hold of it firmly and pulled it away from his face.

“Jade, I’m……… I ……” I stammered, trying to explain what I had just said and done.

“Don’t Davey”. I got up, and was about to walk away, attempting to escape the situation I had put myself in. I didn’t want Jade to hate me anymore than he probably already did. I just wanted to forget I had ever told him my feelings. Jade still had hold of my hand, and pulled it firmly, sending me crashing back down onto the bench, falling into him.

“Don’t talk…… just kiss me”. Jade hand reached out, and touched the side of my face, gently stroking it. I could feel my heart increasing in pace, as the reality of the situation hit me. After all of these years of wanting and waiting him, Jade finally wanted me back.

I leaned forward, looking into Jade’s eyes, checking this is what he really wanted. His eyes didn’t tell me to stop. Instead, his hand reached around the back of my neck, and pulled me closer to him. Our lips crashed together, as we embraced in a passionate kiss. Our tongues explored the insides of each others mouths, both of us fighting for dominance. Jade’s hand moved from the back of my neck as he ran his fingers through my hair. I didn’t want this moment to end.

Slowly, but reluctantly, Jade pulled away. Our eyes met, and I noticed his were glistening again; but this time, they weren’t glistening with tears, but with happiness. I had found the Jade that I had been looking for. He gently stroked the side of my face, brushing aside a few strands of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes.

“Beautiful…” he whispered lovingly, as he laid his head onto my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around his, pulling him as close to me as I possibly could. Neither of us spoke. We just sat in each others arms, watching the sun fade over the lake, enjoying the comfortable silence. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life.

Small droplets of rain began to fall from the sky, which had become dark as the night had chased away the day. The moon was now shining brightly in the sky, causing a white blurry reflection in the lake. As the rain became heavier, both Jade and I realised that we had to leave this perfect moment behind.

“We better go”, I said regretfully. “The others will wonder where we are”.

“Just a few more minutes. I don’t want this feeling to ever end”. Jade pulled me closer, not wanting to let go.

I don’t how long we spent in the park that evening. Time seemed insignificant; however long that moment had lasted, it would have never been long enough. During the short walk home, Jade and I didn’t speak much. My hand held his, gently running my thumb up and down the back of it; his thumb returned the same movements on mine. Words weren’t needed, or wanted. The events of the evening had explained more than any conversation ever could have.

Jade wanted me. I wanted him. I never knew life could be this good.

illadoreyou @ 2004-01-10T03:04:00

2004-01-10T03:08:15Z

I woke late the next morning. The glowing red lights on the alarm clock beside my bed told me that it was 10:45am. I smiled when I noticed Jade’s slender fingers were still entwined in my hair. I spent a few minutes just looking at him, admiring his beauty, taking in every little detail of his face. It’s time like this that you want to last forever, but know they never will.

“Jade”, I whispered gently, stroking his arm. “We should get up”.

“Brandon?” My heart sank.

“No Jade, it’s Davey. You fell asleep here last night. I didn’t want to wake you up”

“Oh, hey Dave”, Jade grumbled, lifting up his head slightly. I laughed when I saw that one side of his hair had become fluffy from where he had been lying on it. Not always so perfect, but still beautiful, I thought.

“What you laughing at?” Jade asked me, a slightly aggravated look on his face, as he stood up and walked over to the window.

I pointed at the right side of his head. “Bed hair”, I chuckled, grinning cheekily.

Jade’s eyes began to well up and his lip trembled as the reality of the night before struck him.

The grin quickly faded from my face. “Sorry Jade, I was only joking”, I said, concerned that, due to his over-emotional state, my light hearted comment may have been taken the wrong way.

“Bed hair, Brand used to say that”. A single tear rolled down his cheek, lingering on his chin for a few seconds, before dropping onto his shirt. “God Davey, what did I do? I’ve lost him, and it’s all my fault”.

He began crying again, and I walked over and took him in my arms, trying to comfort him.

“It will get better won’t it? Please Dave, tell me it will get better.”

“It will. It will get better. You’re beautiful Jade. You’ll find someone else who deserves you and loves you as much as you love them.” I reassured him.

His crying ceased and his chocolate brown eyes stared into mine. “Promise”, he asked, in a slightly childish way.

“Promise.” He moved away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Thank you, and thank you for last night”.

“Anytime. And I do mean that”, I smiled at him. The smile was returned.

“I better take a shower. I’ll meet you downstairs.” Jade said as he opened the door and disappeared down the corridor. I quickly pulled on a pair of clean trousers and a t-shirt, and made my way downstairs.

As I entered the kitchen, I noticed Adam sitting at the table, with a slice of toast in one hand, and a magazine in the other. Hunter was sitting on the kitchen top, waiting for his toast to spring from the toaster.

“Want any?” he questioned, making a pointing gesture at the toaster.

“Cheers. Stick a couple of slices in for Jade too if you don’t mind”.

Adam spun his chair round. “Have you found out what’s up with him yet?” he asked, looking concerned about his friend.

“Brandon broke up with him last night. He has been seeing someone else while we were on tour. Jade hasn’t taken it well at all. He keeps blaming himself.”

“That’s because it’s my fault”. Jade was stood in the doorway of the kitchen, wet hair and a towel wrapped around his waist. I watched closely as small droplets of water formed at the tips of his blonde fringe, until they became too heavy to cling on any longer, and fell on the tiled kitchen floor.

“I’ve put you some toast on”, Hunter chirped, obviously wanting to avoid a conversation about Brandon and the break up. Jade nodded, turned and solemnly walked out of the kitchen. He returned minutes later, clothed in tight black jeans and a dark blue t-shirt, his hair still a mess. He walked over to Hunter, silently grabbing a plate of toast and sitting at the table, opposite Adam. I watched him as he picked at his food, hardly eating anything. An uncomfortable silence fell over the room, no one knowing what to say or when to say it. The longer the silence lasted the more uncomfortable it came, and the less likely it seemed that it would be broken.

“I’m going out”, Jade stated, as he rose from his chair, leaving most of the food on his plate. I followed him, intending on asking if he wanted any company, but stopped as Jade halted in the corridor.

“I’m going on my own Dave. I need some time to myself. Don’t bother following me, please, I just need to be alone’. He didn’t even wait for my reply; he just turned around and walked out of the door, slamming it angrily behind him, leaving me standing in the corridor alone, hurt by the way he was blocking me out.

For weeks, the same pattern of events took place. Jade would talk to me in the evenings, occasionally falling asleep in my room after an outburst of emotion, and would then spend the day alone, dwelling on the good times he and Brandon spent together. I was becoming increasingly concerned about him. He rarely ate, and when he did, the amount was not substantial, causing him to grow thinner by the day. His face, which always used to smile, was now continuously sullen, and his eyes now longer glistened with happiness, only tears. I felt helpless. I was desperate to help him, but he wouldn’t allow it. Instead, he blocked me, and everyone else out, and left himself to deal with his emotions in his own way.

I watched sadly, as day by day, Jade became less and less like the Jade I knew and loved.

Sorry for it being depressing - it will get happier - promise

illadoreyou @ 2004-01-08T01:43:00

2004-01-08T01:44:52Z

Oh yeh, this is dedicated to shameonyooou and pinkninjafairy because they rock

Jade was standing outside, soaked to the bone. His t-shirt was totally saturated and clung to his body and his hair, which had become darkened by the rain, stuck to his face. The make up, which he had probably spent hours on earlier this morning, had been washed away. He was staring at the floor.

“Jade?”

He looked up and his eyes met mine. They were red and I could tell he had been crying. He quickly looked away, attempting to avoid eye contact, and pushed past me, sending me slightly off balance. He ran up the stairs. I called after him with a concerned tone in my voice. I heard his bedroom door slam. For a few minutes, I debated whether or not I should go and check on Jade, and find out what had happened. He had always been the type of person who didn’t like to share his problems with people. He thought it was selfish to concern others with his troubles. Nevertheless, I decided that if he did want to talk, I should be there for him.

I slowly and quietly made my way up to Jade’s room. When I reached the top of the stairs, I could hear sobbing coming from behind the closed door of Jade’s bedroom. I knocked gently, and patiently waited outside. The sobbing had stopped, but no movement could be heard from inside. I knocked again, this time harder, just in case Jade hadn’t heard me. There was still no response.

“Jade”, I said in the gentlest tone possible, pushing my face closer to the door. “I don’t know what’s happened, but I just want you to know, I’m here if you want to talk. I’ll be downstairs, just come get me if you want anything. Anything at all”.

Silence. I was worried. I reached down and gripped the door handle, and began to slowly push the door open, causing the rusty hinges to creak. I had only got the door open slightly, when it was forcefully slammed shut again.

“Fuck off Davey. I don’t want to talk. Just leave me alone”. Jade’s voice trembled as he shouted at me.

“I just want to make sure you’re alright, and see if you need to talk”.

“Do I fucking sound alright? And no, I don’t want to talk about it. Just fucking leave me alone”. I’d never heard Jade sound so angry before. It scared me. I turned around and headed back downstairs, trying my best to block out the sound of Jade’s crying. It hurt that he didn’t want to talk to me, but I knew the best thing to do was to leave him until he had calmed down. If he needed to, Jade would open up in his own time, and the only thing I could do was wait for him.

I entered the front room again to be greeted by Hunter and Adam, who had obviously returned whilst I had been upstairs.

“Good day?” I asked. It took a few seconds for either of them to notice my presence.

“It was alright. The film was pretty shit, but we went out to eat. It was nice to finally have some decent food” said Hunter in reply. “Are you and Jade arguing? We heard him yelling about something?”

“No, we aren’t arguing. I don’t know what’s up with him. I’ve tried talking to him, but he told me to leave him alone. I didn’t want to bug him any further; you know what he is like”.

“He has probably had another argument with Brandon. It seems to be becoming a regular thing now”

“Yeh, probably”. I wasn’t so sure. Jade’s arguments with Brandon never usually ended in floods of tears; they normally resulted in Jade making a few bitchy comments about him, then phoning him up so they could sort things out. This time, it was different.

I went to my room early that night. There was nothing to watch on television, and I was still tired from the lack of sleep I had had over the past couple of weeks. I went to my room, removed my clothes, carefully laying them on the back of a chair, turned the main light off and climbed into the comfort of my bed. I listened, but I could no longer hear Jade crying in the room next door. I reached into the drawer next to my bed and pulled out the little black notepad that contained all the lyrics that I wrote late at night. I hoped that some inspiration may come to me, but it didn’t.

The silence was broken by a quiet knock on my door.

“Come in”.

The door slowly opened, and I saw Jade, illuminated by the light in the corridor outside.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I was just angry.” He looked at me, sad eyes needing reassurance that I he had my forgiveness.

“Don’t worry about it. Do you want to talk?”

Jade nodded, and made his way over to my bed, sitting down on the edge of it, staring at the floor.

“It’s over. Brandon ended it.” I watched as Jade’s bottom lip began to tremble. I could see the wave of emotion that was washing over him. His body shook as he tried to keep himself from crying. “There was someone else. While we were on tour.” His voice began to shake, and his deep brown eyes began to glaze over with tears. “I was never there for him Dave, I was never there and he found someone else”. The emotion took over, and he broke. Tears rushed from his eyes, down his face and his black jeans, his hands attempted to cover his face.

“Jade…” I wanted to say something to comfort him, but knew that nothing I said will drive the pain away. I moved nearer to him, placing my hand round his shoulder and pulling him closer. He didn’t resist, and his head fell into my chest, causing me to fall back. I wrapped my arms around him, stroking his back, trying to soothe his cries. I could feel his tears falling onto my bare chest, and the way his body shook as he released his heavy sobs.

“Shhh… it’s ok. Everything will be ok”. I tried to reassure him. Soon, I noticed that Jade’s sobbing and tears were slowing down, and his breathing had become less irregular. He lifted his head from my chest and looked at me. His eyes were ringed with red, his cheeks glistening with his salty tears.

“Thank you”, he said, trying to force a smile. I didn’t say anything back; I just stroked his hair as he once again rested his head on my chest. Soon, I noticed that his breathing had become shallow, and he was asleep. I didn’t have the heart to wake him; he looked too peaceful. Instead, I just watched him sleep. It was while he was sleeping that I realised how vulnerable he was. I wrapped an arm around him in attempt to protect him from the harshness of the world.

Soon, I also fell asleep, with the man I loved next to me, his fingers entwined in my long black hair, and my arms wrapped around him. It was perfect.

Chapter 3

2004-01-07T00:51:50Z

Well, here it is.... Chapter 3.

Sleep didn’t come easy that night. I lied in bed, staring at the ceiling, concentrating on the pretty patterns the paint had made. I tried to take my mind off Jade, but no amount of reading or writing could stop the pain I was feeling. My mind kept going back to the day that I realised I had fallen in love with my best friend. It happened six years ago. It wasn’t something I was expecting, but it was something that couldn’t have been prevented. Jade and I were sitting in the park, lying on the damp grass, looking at the fluffy white clouds as they moved through bright blue sky.

“Dave, that cloud looks like you”, Jade giggled, pointing up at the sky.

My eyes followed his finger, and I stared up to the clouds, unable to see how the cloud resembled me at all. Jade’s giggles had now turned into a fit of laughter, and he was now sitting up, knees pressed to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs. I sat up and pushed him back down again.

“You’re an idiot sometimes”, I told him, starting to giggle as well.

Jade lifted his head from his knees, and pouted at me, attempting to look hurt by my comment. He failed miserably, making me laugh even more. Before I met Jade, I never laughed and rarely smiled, but he had changed me. He had made me happy. When the laughing ceased, we looked at each other. Jade’s mascara had run from the tears that had formed from the laughing, and black smears were present under his eyes and down the side of his face.

“Thank you” I said to him gratefully.

“For what?” He looked confused by my comment.

“For making me laugh”. I smiled at him. Jade smiled back. It was that point at which I realised I had fallen in love with him, and for the past six years, nothing had changed. As I lied in bed, still fixated on the ceiling, tears began forming in my eyes. I squeezed them shut, and the small droplets of water rolled down the side of my face, hitting the pillow which quickly absorbed them. Jade loved Brandon, and that was something I was going to have to deal with.

At some point during the night, sleep must have found me and I was woken up by the sound of footsteps outside my room. I rolled over onto my side, checking the time on the clock next to my bed. It took my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the bright red light that shone from the digital display. It was 9:45am. I concluded that the footsteps that could be heard from the corridor outside must have belonged to Jade, who would now be busily trying to get himself ready for his day out with Brandon. The thought of that wasn’t much of an incentive to get me out of bed. I considered burying my head in my pillows and going back to sleep, but I never liked wasting a day, so decided to get up. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, placing them on the carpeted floor of my room, and walked over to the mirror. The person that stared back at me looked drained; bags were still present under my eyes and my skin looked paler than usual. I sighed, picked up a t-shirt from the floor, pulled it over my head and headed towards the door.

As I entered the corridor, Jade dashed past me, knocking me into the wall.

“Sorry Dave!” he shouted as he rushed into his room, slamming the door behind him. A few seconds later he came back out, wearing a different shirt to the one I had just seen him in.

“That’s better”, he stated, with a satisfied look on his face. “Do I look alright?”

“You look fine. Brandon won’t be able to resist you”.

“He better not be able to”, Jade replied with a suggestive wink. There was a knock at the door, and a smile started to spread across Jade’s face.

“That’ll be Brandon. I better go”. Jade continued running along the corridor, and went down the stairs to greet his lover.

“Have a nice day”, I shouted after him. I got no reply.

The day passed slowly. Hunter and Adam had invited me out to the cinema with them for the afternoon, but my lack of sleep meant that I was still very tired, so I declined their invitation. Instead, I slouched on the sofa in the front room for most of the day, watching boring chat shows on the television, trying to focus on other peoples’ problems rather than my own. I felt my stomach rumbling and decided to get some food. On my way to the kitchen I looked out the window. It has started to get dark and rain was now falling heavily from the sky. I loved the rain; it was so refreshing and beautiful, and I was tempted to go for a walk, but thought better of it. After fixing myself a snack, I returned to the sofa, flicking through the television channels in the hope of finding something interesting.

I had just finished eating when I heard a knock at the door. As I rose to my feet, I wondered who it could be. I wasn’t expecting Jade to come home tonight, as he would be staying at Brandon’s making the most of seeing his boyfriend again and it was unlikely that Hunter and Adam had both forgotten their keys. I made my way to the front door and opened it.

I was shocked at who was standing there.

Well, hope it wasnt too sucky.

Pieced together incomplete and empty

2004-01-06T02:44:51Z

This chapter took ages to write. I couldnt get it to sound how I wanted it to. Im still not too happy with it, but I want to get on with the next chapter, so here it is.

It was cold outside. My arms were wrapped around my body in a futile attempt to keep in some warmth, but it was useless. The freezing wind blew down the dark, narrow backstreet, blowing a few strands of black hair into my face, and causing my face to redden and sting. I looked to the sky. It was a clear night, and hundreds of stars were visible. I took a few moments to take in its beauty.

“Dave?”

My mind had managed to distance itself from the commotion outside. The voice I heard seemed distance but familiar and I immediately regained focus.

“Davey?” Jade shouted for a second time, this time with a more impatient tone in his voice.

“What?”

Jade looked up from the piece of paper he was signing, a piece of his blonde fringe hung in his face. He looked cold. The wind continued to blow, and he shivered.

“You ready to go?” he asked.

“Sure, just give me a few minutes”. Jade hugged the small group of fans that remained and clambered into the van, joining the others who were waiting. I finished my autographing and photograph duties, and casually ambled back to the van. I stopped halfway, and looked to the sky again, admiring what a beautiful night it was.

“Get a move on would you? It’s cold and we want to get home!”

As always, Jade was being impatient. He was always in a hurry to get somewhere, or to do something. On the other hand, I was the opposite. I enjoyed taking life more slowly, appreciating the small simple things that most people failed to notice. I think that was one of my character traits that Jade found irritating. I found his impatience endearing; just another thing that attracted me to him.

I swung open the van door and clambered into the back, slouching onto the seat opposite Jade. Hunter was sat in front of me, and Adam was in the front of the van, behind the wheel ready to drive us back home. I stretched out my arms and legs and yawned. I was tired. The gig this evening had been the last of our present tour and I had put a lot of effort and energy into it. It had left me exhausted and drained; my whole body felt heavy. I was looking forward to getting home, and finally being able to rest, and more importantly sleep. Sleep doesn’t come easy when on tour. The pressure of travelling from place to place every day, staying in a different room every night has an affect on you. I leant my head on the cold glass window, condensation appearing as I breathed on it. I stared out of the window, as the van slowly pulled away. I watched as a small group of fans waved at us. I waved back, and as the van increased its speed I watched as the shadows of people became smaller and smaller, and eventually faded into the night. I looked one more time at the night sky before closing my eyes. Eventually sleep came, taking me to a place of quiet tranquillity, where there was no pain and no tears; there was only Jade and I, and we were in each others arms.

Suddenly, my eyes opened. Hunter had a firm grip on my arm, and was shaking me in attempt to waken me from my slumber. I pushed him away, annoyed that he had ripped me out of my dream world, where for once, I actually felt happy and contented.

“We’re here” he said softly.

My eyelids felt heavy, and struggled to keep them open. As I looked out of the window, I could see we were pulling up the drive-way in front of our house. I realised that I must have been sleeping for a good few hours. I pushed open the van door, and stepped out onto the street outside. Immediately, the cold hit me. A cold chill ran through my body and I briskly walked towards the door of the dark old looking building that stood before me. I fumbled around in my coat pocket, looking for my keys, but instead I only found last weeks shopping list, and a few receipts that had been accumulating there over the past few months. I tried the other pocket, and felt the cold metal of my keys and keyrings. I pulled them from my pocket, forcing one of the keys into the lock of the front door. I turned the key quickly and firmly, eager to get inside. I left the others to unload their instruments and various other pieces of equipment; I was known for my clumsiness, so was rarely allowed to touch the expensive equipment. I continued into the house, heading for the kitchen so that I could make a cup of coffee for myself and the others.

Fifteen minutes later, the unloading was finished, and Jade, Hunter and Adam had joined me in the kitchen. We sat around the small wooden table which was situated in the middle of the small room. They all looked tired, just as I was. Adam’s head rested on his arms which were folded on the table and Hunter’s eyes were partially closed, indicating his desire for sleep. I looked at Jade. His beautiful chocolate coloured eye had lost the sparkle that usually shone from them. Bags were slightly visible under his eyes, but were well concealed by his make up, which had become smeared during tonight’s performance. To me, he still looked beautiful. He always did.

“Anyone checked the answer phone yet?” questioned Jade. “I want to see if Brandon has been in contact at all?”

I sighed. Brandon. Jade hadn’t talked about him much for the past few days, something which had pleased me greatly. Brandon was Jade’s boyfriend. They had been going through a rough patch over the past month, and I secretly hoped that one of them would end it. Unfortunately for me, Jade refused to let go of him, and he refused to let go of Jade, and for the past three years, I watched jealously as I the man I loved fell in love with someone else.

“I didn’t think about it”, I replied quickly, masking the annoyance I felt at hearing Brandon’s name. Hunter and Adam both said they hadn’t checked it either. Jade rushed out of the kitchen, eager to see if his lover had left him a message.
“What’s going on with those two?” Hunter asked me, his face showing his confusion. “I thought they were going to end it months ago”.

“So did I”, I answered, trying my best for the anguish I was feeling not to become obvious in my voice. “Obviously not”.

Adam still had his head resting on his arms and contributed to the conversation with a simple “hmm”. He never was one for talking.

Before the conversation could continue any further, Jade came bouncing back into the room, a smile gracing his face. The sparkle that I loved had returned to them. Brandon had obviously left a message.

“I take it we wont be seeing you tomorrow then?” Hunter said jokingly to Jade.

“Doubtful”, Jade replied. “Brand’s picking me up at 10. I better get some sleep”

With that, Jade left the room, and I listened to his footsteps going up the stairs as my heart sank further and further into my stomach.

illadoreyou @ 2004-01-04T00:30:00

2004-01-04T00:46:52Z

Here it is... my first slash....

Title - Angel With Two Broken Wings

Pairing - Davey and Jade (AFI)

Summary - Im not gonna spoil it... just read

Chapter One

There had always been something there. Something between us. We knew it, the other guys knew it, and our fans knew it. I had always blamed it on the fact that we had been friends for so long – how could there not be some feelings between two people who had shared so much? But these weren’t the type of feelings you have for your best friend; these were the type of feelings you had for someone you wanted, needed, and were determined to have.

The gig was going well tonight. We were half way through the set and the crowd had been going wild from the moment we set foot on stage. The atmosphere was electric. A couple of girls near the front of the stage began screaming my name. I looked at them, and smiled, giving them what they wanted; some kind of recognition. I pushed back the strands of long black hair that have fallen in to my face, covering my eyes, and look over to Jade. He was too busy jumping around the stage to notice my glances. He looked perfect. His black shirt had become wet with his sweat and clung to his well defined torso. His hair, on which he had spent hours on before the show, was now a mess and his pink tie was flung over his shoulder. During his solo, the lights beamed upon him. To the screaming fans, he was an untouchable figure, an idol, a god, but to me, he was Jade, my best friend, and that’s the reason I loved him. Eventually, I had to tear myself away from looking at him, and continue with the gig. I walked over to Jade, placing one arm around his neck letting my hand rest on his chest. He continued to play guitar, barely even recognising my presence. This was usual – Jade and I were always close on stage. To me, it was a way of getting as close as I could to him, without him becoming aware of my feelings towards him, but to Jade it was just part of the act to get the crowd going. If he only knew. All too soon, the gig was over and the four of us left the stage and went back to the dressing room to take a well deserved rest.

“I think that went pretty well, don’t you?” I said to Jade as we both crashed out on the black leather sofa of the dressing room. His hand fell innocently on my leg.

“Damn right” he replied. “You were mad out there tonight”. He smiled, pulling at his bright pink tie, until it fell from around his neck. He threw it over the back of the sofa, discarding it as if it was a piece of rag. He unbuttoned the top of his damp black shirt slightly revealing his smooth chest. I stared longingly, but quickly removed my gaze before Jade noticed.

“We better get changed out of these clothes”, stated Jade, “Hunter said he and Adam would meet us in the van in 10 minutes. They’ll be pissed if we are late”. I nodded, and rose from the sofa, wandering over to the chair where I had left the clothes I had been wearing earlier this afternoon. I lifted the wet mesh shirt I had been wearing during the gig over my head, exposing my tattooed body. The metal chains attached to the shirt got caught in my already tangled hair. Frustrated, I pulled at the shirt and heard a rip.

“Shit”.

“What’s up Dave?”

Jade looked over from across the room, and let out a cute laugh when he saw me standing there, topless, with my shirt caught in my matted hair. He moved towards me, the black shirt no longer covering his chest. I smiled.

“Let me give you a hand with that”.

He moved his hand towards my hair, brushing against my face as he did. I noticed how smooth his hands were and how gentle his touch was. He leaned closer so he could see where the chains had become entwined with my hair. I felt his breathe on my neck, and a rush of electricity shot through me. I could feel myself become aroused by his touch and his scent. Before I had managed to get too carried away with the moment, I heard a soft thud and clink of chains, and Jade moved away. I wanted to reach out and hold him to prevent him from leaving my side, but I knew I couldn’t. If Jade knew my feelings, it would spoil everything. I sighed and looked at the floor. The shirt, which was once attached to my hair, now lay on the floor, and Jade was no longer close to me.

“Thanks for that”, I said thankfully to Jade.

He smiled, pulling his new shirt over his head.

“It’s nice to know that even though you are a big rock star now, you still need someone to help you get dressed”.

A big grin appeared on his face, and he laughed. I was going to think of a smart reply, but his beautiful smile rendered me speechless, and I began to laugh as well. It was moments like this that made me realise why I felt the way I did about him. After the laughter finished, I pulled a Joy Division shirt over my head, quickly brushed my matted black locks in attempt to look slightly less dishevelled, and walked to the door where Jade was waiting for me.

“Come on, we should get going. There’s going to be people waiting for us outside”.

Jade wasn’t wrong. Upon leaving the building we were greeting with a group of about 20 fans, who had been waiting for us. I looked towards the tour bus which was parked a couple of metres away from the door, and could see Adam and Hunter smirking from inside. I guessed they had already done all the signing, hugging and kissing that they had been required to do and had retreated to the relative safety of the van.

I turned to say something to Jade, but he had gone. He was busy signing autographs, and hugging many of his adoring female fans. Jade loved the attention he would get. I don’t know why, but it made me jealous. Not because he was getting attention, because I got just as much, probably more, but because I wanted to be the one giving him the attention. I wanted to be the one hugging him, kissing him, telling him I loved him; but I couldn’t be, and never would be.

Because I was Davey.

And he was Jade – the one thing I wanted most in life, and the only thing I couldn’t have